If my wall clock tell me,

that it's four in the morning, 

i'll give it hell..

So, yay for my lack of sleep? Oh  well. I'm in the mood to ramble. About how I'm screwed up and no one sees that. Well guess what guys? I'm one big pit fall right after the other. And it scares the living hell out of me. I cried at every home football game this past season. Did any of you know that? I doubt it. Because I don't like to talk about it, and Nick was the one that got stuck holding me together when I started to go into a panic attack right before the march on at half time. It sucked. I came home and I fell apart that night. I literally felt my heart fall apart because I was so broken that my mom had to come into my room that night and physically hold me together. Because the both of us were so scared that while I was somewhat stable, she went into my bathroom and took out all of the razors. And for that, I'm always going to thank her. Because I can't go back to that. I can't. It hurts too much.


I'm always smiling and laughing and encouraging people, you know? It's because I say that I like to make people happy, and I do. But in reality, it's if I see them fall apart, then I know that my time is coming again. Soon. I tell everyone that they're beautiful, and that they're amazing, and fantastic, and lovely, and gorgeous, and stunning, and wonderful people. & Most of the time? Most of the time they are. But they don't know that I do it because sometimes seeing them smile is the only thing that keeps me from crying. Hardly anyone knows about my anxiety issues. Or that when I'm angry, I refuse to take a shower because I'm afraid of what I'll do. Because I've crossed that line, and I've made too many promises to too many good people to hurt them like that again. Hardly anyone knows that my mood swings were so bad that I almost had to go to the doctor. Or that I refused to go to therapy. Or that yeah, at one point, I do think that I was certifiably depressed. Or that I still have panic attacks and I start to hyperventilate and cry and shake and it takes a good twenty minutes for my breathing to even out, much less stop shaking. 

Hardly anyone knows that.

No one deserves to know what this is like.

You deserve to smile and laugh and be happy.

Something I've been making progress in. 

Which makes me proud to be here for once.

Like I really do mean something.

Because I know that you do.

"Needing was easy: it came naturally, like breathing. Being needed by someone else, though, that was the hard part. But as with giving help and accepting it, we had to do both to be made complete-like links overlapping to form a chain, or a
 lock finding the right key."

Because He's Mr.Brightside?

Hi Parker. This is for you because we're not chatting right now for some reason? You're in not the best mood, and I'm sorry. But that's my fault because you couldn't come over today. Which I hate. But there's a Pep Band Game in two hours and I get to see you. Which is good. Actually, it's great. Because you make me smile and not a lot can do that these days. Like, a real smile. Where I look like a crazy Asian lady. And you care about me. And you sit at my house and play with duct tape with me. And you tell me I'm pretty when I'm in the hospital. And you're a foot taller than me, and I can hide when I hug you. Speaking of which. I love your hugs. Because yeah. You're you, and I just like you. I don't know why I'm ranting about all of this. I mean, it's not my fault that my heart beats really fast and you point it out and I laugh like a freak. And you come to see me when I'm really rough. And you make me laugh when all I want to do it sit on my floor and cry. And you sit on the phone with me at two in morning when I'm shivering and watching Batman and ranting about something really really stupid and you make me stop to just say that you miss me. And you're you and you hate everything that I hate about this stupid place. Like roller coasters, and stupid people. And you make me stop threatening people. Which is something that no one's ever even thought about doing. And we talk about how we're both really clumsy and hated who we used to be. And we have nine kids and I know that Lauren is secretly your favorite too, just because she's creepy like me. You're weird and I'm weird and that's the end of that story. Because I like you. And now I'm just ranting about pointless crap, but you're used to that? I guess I just miss you. I hate that we don't get to hang out all of the time, but that's what makes it better when we do? Yeah, well for me anyway. This is random, but I also like it when we're in your car going down the road with Mr. Brightside blaring. And when ice cream gets all over my lap because we're stupid and we leave it on the dashboard and it's snowing outside and I'm freezing and all we can do is laugh. And when we creep out little kids with our face paint. I'm going to end this now, because you're not even online anymore. Just stalk my blog, kiddo. You're all over it. Because you're the only thing I think about these days. 

I'll be your Sunset;

if you'll be my silhouette.

I love my life. I say that all of the time, but I do. I GOT TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND TODAY. I missed him. Like. You don't even know. But Duckie needs to quit creepin all up on him. HE NEEDS A LIFE. Geeze. 

I love Tabitha. [:

She's beautiful, and she'd better know it. Music is her life, literally. Ask for a good song, she'll give you five. She hates pants and loves band. She's the light to his dark and obsessed with her friends. When she smiles her whole face lights up. And yeah, her heart's been broken. But you know what? She's got a passion for life that could rival that of some of the greatest artists in history, and she's happy, which is more than a lot of people can say these days.

She’s my sister. 

^That was the best Wall Post I've ever gotten. ♥

Dear, This Has Always Been About Standing Up For Yourself.

To everything in life that has an end
I hope you've made the best of your time with
The ones who matter most, the ones who cared
You're in a world that's hard to just fit in
You're searching for your place amongst your friends
Though it seems that everyone will hide behind their skin

It's all for you, all I've done I'd do again
From deep inside, all my life, I'm living in
From right to wrong, back to right to wrong again
It's just a stage, a played out script to this
From being true, to being used is how we live
But you don't have to be like them, you don't
Have to be like them

So now's the time to take a look around
I hope you see the world turned inside out
It's not a perfect life that we all live, but we are living
you always seem to put yourself ahead
you never looked at yourself as we did
now it seems that everyone has turned on you again

It's all for you, all I've done I'd do again
From deep inside, all my life, I'm living in
From right to wrong, back to right to wrong again
It's just a stage, a played out script to this
From being true, to being used is how we live
But you don't have to be like them, you don't
Have to be like them

I don't want to be them (Living on the weekends)
They're just another problem (Failing just to fit in)
They're running out of reasons
To say you're wrong

It's all for you, all I've done I'd do again
From deep inside, all my life, I'm living in
From right to wrong, back to right to wrong again
It's just a stage, a played out script to this
From being true, to being used is how we live
But you don't have to be like them, you don't
I know you'll never be like them

I tried to make you see, that you were all I need
I'd change my ways for you our lives spoke only truth
In time you'd make me see that you were there for me
I'd give my life for you. I'd give my best for you.

^ Amber Pacific is beautiful.

The Last Song

I'm going to be creepy and just listen to Mr.Brightside acoustic for the last half an hour of 2010. BECAUSE I AM A CREEP.

Goals for 2011:
1. Be Happy. Don't be such a pessimist Ha.
2. Don't try so hard for people that don't give a damn about you.
3. Don't fail Geometry & Chemistry A. Apply myself.
4. Don't let things slip through your hands anymore. Try. If you want it. Make it happen.
5. KICK EMILY REARDENS ASS AT BAND AND NEVER LET HER STOP YOU. This is fact, and needs to be done for the good of mankind.
6. Go a little crazy, Ha. Live.
7. I want Summer 2011 to be the best one of my life. I'm determined to make this happen.
8. Keep a decent relationship. I'd like it to be the current one. I'd like to make it more than two months.

Goodbye, 2010. I love you. You taught me a lot about life and myself as a person.
-Ha/Hanner/Wichita/Waldo/Whatever Else I answer to.
♥ 

iwokeupwantingtokissyou.

When you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults. You don't look for answers. You don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes. You accept the faults and overlook the excuses. The measure of love is when you love without measure. There are rare chances that you will meet the person you love and who loves you in return. So once you have it, don't ever let go. There chance might never come your way again.

I want someone who won't care that I hate wearing shoes, that I'm incapable of sitting still, that I can't grasp the concept of cleaning, and I refuse to be ladylike. Someone who realizes that half the decisions I make I usually regret, and I have the right to overreact at any given moment. I want someone who knows how completely insane I am, and he wouldn't want me any other way.

They were in love. You could tell just by the way they looked at each other, like they had the most wonderful secret in the world between them.

Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't. Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't? You fall deeper with each passing day, but try to hide it in every possible way. He's only a friend, and nothing else, that's the lie you keeping telling yourself. You keep on saying he's just a bud, but deep inside, you're falling in love. You get so giddy when you meet his eyes, but keep reminding yourself it isn't right. A simple glance turns into a stare, but you pretend that you don't care. It's "not right" for you two to be. Is that why you hide it so no one can see? But how long will you pretend, keep lying that he's just a friend. Perhaps your feelings you can never show. Perhaps it's "wrong" for him to know. Your friendship can't be risked over this, So being his girl is an impossible wish.

Last day of 2010 and I'm spending it babysitting Duckie. |; I mean, I love my kid and all, but jeeze. BUT! Ha will be optimistic here people. I'm going to call Parker and we're going to talk about senseless things for forever because that's how we do now that I can talk! & I'm going to make my TabieDee feel better and yeah. I'll make it memorable somehow. I have to. It's been a great year. I can't let it go down in pessimism! Quote Picture Time? Yes. (:

I don't get attached. I don't want a relationship unless you can prove to me you're not all the same. No, your words don't mean shit to me. No, I don't trust you. No, I don't believe you. Promises are nothing but empty words to me. I know I'm not your one & only so don't tell me I am. No, my smile doesn't make your day. No, my laughter isn't music to your ears. No, I'm not too good to be true so start with the truth. If I'm what you want, tell me why & tell me often. Tell me you love me, but only if you mean it.













I miss you, but I can't think of a better person that I'd like to waste the last hours of 2010 on the phone with. I'll see you soon, dear. I     promise.

"Hey, Hannah? You mean more to me than anything I can comprehend right now, I miss you so much . And you're really beautiful. Imagine me hugging you right now." &That's the IM I just got from you.
Oh dear boy. I miss you like I missed food for those nine days and more.

Kordell Cornwell.

I love my best friend. End of Story. She's pretty Beautiful, and I think this conversation needs to be broadcasted to you. (:

So she sends me this link, and this is the guys profile picture:
Kordell Cornwell. We have two mutual friends? SCORE. But I'm not going to add him. o.O

Lauren: Just his name makes me laugh.

Me: Well, that and the fact that his default is a muscular black man, that I may end up mistaking for Jessica, next to a rather short white guy that would probably be Steven Sigler. 
(:

Lauren: I really enjoy this black man. I wish I could stalk him,

Me: I was tempted to poke him..but refrained because that is mucho creepy, even on my scale, and that's where peeking in the window's is when someone loves you. & I'm glad you quit panicking! I was debating on walking to your house at one in the morning because I couldn't sleep and I miss you, but it was raining and I was in shorts and a t-shirt. Plus Mother was irritable. 

Lauren: I would have met you half way. I was panicking until about 3 am. Then waking up in the middle of the night, constantly to check my phone with NO phone calls.

Me: ME TOO. I was going to call you, but I Che had told me that your phone was still dead, and I didn't want to wake up your family in the dead of the night. 

Lauren: Nope, it's on now. [:

We are just really creepy, you know? But I love it so much. I giggled to no end while typing this. [: SMILE. YOU ARE ALIVE AND I LOVE YOU. I'm lonely. Hit me up, bloggers. (:

I love you, lady.♥

What Goes Around Comes Around.

Oh 2010. You were good. You were bad. Let's recap some? Yeah.

January: Well, I turned 15, had the one of the best birthdays ever and lost my "best friends" all in one day. This was the day/month that I turned my life around to where it is now, and I'm proud of myself. That was when I completely fell apart and put myself where I wanted to be.


February:  I spent Valentines over at Jessica's & we went to go see When In Rome with Megan, Lauren & Katie. So it was good all in all. Jess turned 15, Luke told her he loved her. It was so sweet. We were all happy. Lots of snow days if I do recall.


March: Megan's birthday. We partied at Vastwood, piled up at her house and saw Alive in Wonderland in 3-D. Sucess? I think so. This was really the only highlight I remember of this month. OH! March was also when La and I did our own Crazy Hair day at school with teased hair, sunglasses, absurd eyeshadow and lumberjack shirts, and my huge Zebra/Trash Bag bows on our heads. It was worth every strange stare and question. [:


April: Kristin & Ethan's Birthday's. Pretty hardcore bonfire at Kris's. I miss her. Max and I became friends this month. We hung out at Vastwood all the time, and I might have liked him if it weren't for Willie Chord being a complete douche bag. But I'm not going into that. Because I haven't had a real conversation with Willie since April 16. The day he decided that I wasn't good enough. The day I realized that he wasn't even worth the friendship I thought we had.


May: My band kids that went to NYC were nearly killed by the bomb threat, but they made it home okay. Thank God. I recall getting THE BEST hug ever from Mr. Nicholas Henderson. Parker came home with a katana, and I really missed all of them. Stephanie Wechtenheiser got on the mic on the bus and told everyone that I loved and missed them because I was messaging her over Facebook. I love that lady. Beth graduated, and school let out. Max threw me in the lake at our picnic. Freshman Year was finally over.


June: Cue me not speaking to Nick again. This was the birth of: IWILLCUTYOU. Skye came in for an amazing two weeks. I cut my bangs into straight bangs again, I pretty much lived with La & spent every minute on the phone with Parker. Sweet Summertime. If I could relive a month of this year, it'd be this one. Maybe I'd do somethings differently. Maybe not.


July: Oh Bandcamp. ♥ But that didn't start until the 27th. I dyed a strip of my hair orange with peroxide, [big mistake, I'm debating on dying darker over it as of right now] & that's when I started talking to Clay. Yeah, he was nice while it lasted I guess. But I never really liked him now that I look back on it. Which makes me feel bad. Like I used him. Then, there's July 13th. The day that I kissed both Sam & Clay. & Austin kissed me at band camp just because. But we had a bet going, I just didn't think he'd follow through. This story will never not creep me out. I kind of hate this month looking back. Fag and three quarters. I'm sorry dear readers. I was speaking to Nick again. (I don't know why I'm telling you all of this?)


August: Clay and I officially got together on August 7th. Sophomore year started for me. We all fell into that slump of hating everything, I guess. None of us really cared about anything. We hated going to band practice. We hated Emily. We still hate her though. We still hate our homework and AP Euro still makes Jessica freak out on occasion. It was hot and we were tired.


September: Bradley's Birthday! That was a fun shindig. [: & About all I remember or care to remember of this month. I was with Clay. Which I hate remembering. Because it just all around sucked. For the both of us. I was crap to him. He was crap to me. Although he was much better to me, in his defense.


October: La's Birthday on the 25th. I broke up with Clay that day. I made her a huge card and duct taped it to the locker and shoved it full of balloons. We had Dr.Pepper and brownies at lunch. It made me smile. Prior to the breakup was the Masquerade Party. Which kind of sucked. But it was still fun I guess. Jessica came over because it was Fall Break and we spent all day getting ready and such. That was on the 15th. That was when I pretty much stopped talking to Shelby. & Olivia and I talked about life all night. It was nice. Marching Band State Finals. I kissed Brandon. We all know that was nothing.


November: SKYE CAME♥ Even if it was for only two days, it was amazing. We piled up into my house and partied! Parker painted his face like The Joker, I was Harley Quinn, Megan was Poison Ivy. Most everyone else ran around with one surgical glove on and held their arm in the air. A Wal-Mart/McDonald's run was made. We made brownies that we never ate, and Code Red Mtn.Dew was split all over my wall. Parker and I started dating on the 16th. He turned 17 on the 28th. I'm creepy with my way of remembering dates.


December: Well. Here we are. I got my tonsils taken out. Christmas and missing the boyfriend. That's about it kids. Sorry if I disappointed you all. -Sigh- I'm in a mood. I'm pretty sure if there was one thing that I could do right now, it'd probably be to fall asleep on Parker. Because I fall asleep all the time because I'm a freak, and I just really miss him. </3 I suck.


But that was 2010 for me guys.
I hope it was good or better for you. ♥