If my wall clock tell me,

that it's four in the morning, 

i'll give it hell..

So, yay for my lack of sleep? Oh  well. I'm in the mood to ramble. About how I'm screwed up and no one sees that. Well guess what guys? I'm one big pit fall right after the other. And it scares the living hell out of me. I cried at every home football game this past season. Did any of you know that? I doubt it. Because I don't like to talk about it, and Nick was the one that got stuck holding me together when I started to go into a panic attack right before the march on at half time. It sucked. I came home and I fell apart that night. I literally felt my heart fall apart because I was so broken that my mom had to come into my room that night and physically hold me together. Because the both of us were so scared that while I was somewhat stable, she went into my bathroom and took out all of the razors. And for that, I'm always going to thank her. Because I can't go back to that. I can't. It hurts too much.


I'm always smiling and laughing and encouraging people, you know? It's because I say that I like to make people happy, and I do. But in reality, it's if I see them fall apart, then I know that my time is coming again. Soon. I tell everyone that they're beautiful, and that they're amazing, and fantastic, and lovely, and gorgeous, and stunning, and wonderful people. & Most of the time? Most of the time they are. But they don't know that I do it because sometimes seeing them smile is the only thing that keeps me from crying. Hardly anyone knows about my anxiety issues. Or that when I'm angry, I refuse to take a shower because I'm afraid of what I'll do. Because I've crossed that line, and I've made too many promises to too many good people to hurt them like that again. Hardly anyone knows that my mood swings were so bad that I almost had to go to the doctor. Or that I refused to go to therapy. Or that yeah, at one point, I do think that I was certifiably depressed. Or that I still have panic attacks and I start to hyperventilate and cry and shake and it takes a good twenty minutes for my breathing to even out, much less stop shaking. 

Hardly anyone knows that.

No one deserves to know what this is like.

You deserve to smile and laugh and be happy.

Something I've been making progress in. 

Which makes me proud to be here for once.

Like I really do mean something.

Because I know that you do.

"Needing was easy: it came naturally, like breathing. Being needed by someone else, though, that was the hard part. But as with giving help and accepting it, we had to do both to be made complete-like links overlapping to form a chain, or a
 lock finding the right key."