Secret #3.

I need better self confidence. I'm not near as strong as you think I am.






This is also my 100th post, blogspot, thanks for letting me rant about everything. (:

Secret #2.

You get inside me head more than anyone I've ever met before in my life.

Secret #1.

I don't know who I am anymore.

You're Not Fat,

"You just have wide hips."
"I'm aware of my hips!"
"I like them!"
"You're pretty, and yes, I know that you're shoving food in your mouth, but I always think you're pretty."
"dfgkhzdlgjhjh!"



Hello there. So, we got straight distinguished in Concert Band at Festival on Thursday. Woo! It was a happy day.

Best Part: Eating At New China.

Wanna know why? Yeah, my boyfriend shoots spitballs at me every time we go to an actual restaurant. Oh well. Anyway, so on this particular day, he had been on a roll with shooting me in the face with said spit balls, and the next thing you know, one lands in my mouth. Yeah, it's not that big of a deal, it's just ParkerSaliva, I just found it kind of awkward because I'm a freak? I then proceeded to pretty much cackle for about three minutes. I got revenge by shoving a creme puff in his face ten minutes later. And that, that is why we don't go out in public, Parker dear, that is why. Society  can suck it though, because I love you. (:


Not-So-Great-Friday: Dad.

Daddy, I really wish that you could tell me that I just messed up and to not forget next time, and not lecture me to the point where I feel no good and I'm just sitting there at the table crying, trying to not hyperventilate because I really do try. I just, I wish I could feel like I was good enough for once you know?


Shout outs:

Lauren Brown: You're simply my best friend. I love you. I want you to know that you're not alone, and that I'll be there whenever you need me when you get your gallbladder out on Thursday afternoon. I'm going to force my parents to let me come see you, because I need you, I need to know that you're okay so you can get better. I went almost two days without talking to you and I felt lost and confused. I love you so much sweetheart. Don't believe the things that you feel at night when I can't be there with you. Don't you dare believe them for one second. You're too beautiful to feel that way. I love you Piglet.

Alexis Weedman: Hi, I miss you. I'm really glad that we're getting so close. You've helped me open up to so much in just the past week. I love you, I love how you make me feel so positive when I don't even want to try and smile anymore. I love that you and Jake were smart enough to come to the decision that you need to stop hurting yourselves because you can't see each other like how you need to. I like you.

Tabitha Frowen: I love you so much sister. I may be able to get the matching nail polish today, Dad gave me four bucks for babysitting. I love that I can tell you everything. I love you that you understand me, I love that you get all that I tell you. You're just the best. & I miss you,

Parker Findlay: Don't even get me started about you. I love you. I don't like to think about going through a day without you. You're my best friend, and I spend the most time with you, but it never feels like it's enough.

Megan Gray: Pamela. I just miss you. You're beautiful. & I love you, you Red Velvet Head. You make me smile.

i want to feel like this everyday.


not just sometimes. 

this isn't going to be long at all because I have to leave for school soon, but yesterday was a good day.
No threats.

all the pretty girls. 

& tire swing.

These songs make me so happy.

Have a good day kids,

I love you.

Chin up. ♥

How To Tie A Tie.

Self Improvement.
New Goal: No more death threats.

Reasoning: I'm tired of being this way. And I crossed the line this time, so I will change. I will. I am.

I hate that I had to cross that line to see how bad I had been acting, but I crossed it, and I'm making amends. If you love someone, you don't say bad things like that to them. You tell them that you love them and you prove it.

I know that I rant about him a lot on here, but this is my blog and I can type as I please,

Parker, I don't even know if you'll read this, and I know that I must have apologized a hundred times in the past two days, but, I love you. And I don't want you to die in a car accident. Ever. I want you here with me, safe and sound because that's where you need to be. I don't want to be so angry all of the time so I don't say things like that out of nowhere because you never do anything like that to me.

I'm trying. I really am.

How To Tie A Tie:

	1) Start with the wide end ("W") of your necktie on the right, extending about 12 inches below the narrow end ("N") on the left.
	2) Then cross the wide end over the narrow end.
	3) Bring the wide end around and behind the narrow end.
	4) Then bring the wide end up.
	5) Pull the wide end through the loop and to the right.
	6) Bring the wide end around front, over the narrow end from right to left.
	7) Again, bring the wide end up and through the loop.
	8) Then, bring the wide end down through the knot in front.
	9) And -- using both hands -- tighten the knot carefully and draw it up to the collar.

http://www.tie-a-tie.net/halfwindsor.html






It's a tough life to live. So I think that's why we come to realize that we can't ever make it alone.

We need each other.

Parker Findlay.

Lauren Brown.

Tabitha Frowen.

Alexis Weedman.

You've all really gotten me through this week alone.

I love you all so much.

don'tyouknowthatyoushinebrigherthananyonedoes? ♥

Today. Today was good.
I drove home with the window's down.
Happy Four Months.

So, Ivy made a point. This is a blog. This is for me, I can post whatever I want to. This isn't to please anyone but me. Yeah. Hi. I love you blog. You've helped me vent, and hopefully let go of things. I don't know. I never know.


I like pajama pants, and batman villains and Joker quotes and typography and love. I love love. All love. I like hugs. I like music, and sleeping late. I like to smile. I like to brush my teeth and watch To Claire; From Sonny. I like rain and summer days. I like holding hands and taking a lot of dumb pictures.

I like me.

To Claire;From Sonny.








^in case you didn't know, I love you, and you get me through everything. 

BRANDI MILLER JUST MADE MY DAY.

Truth Is: You are ridiculously stunning. You’re another one of my Facebook stalkers, for that, I LOVE YOU. I love how random you are, it makes me smile! You and your boyfriend are just about as cute as they come. You crack me up with your absurd updates and wall posts. You’re such a silly girl. You’re weird, in a very good way. Just like Lauren, you brighten my day, simply by seeing you in the hallway with that pretty smile on your face. Always wear it, happy looks good on you. [: Sadly, I’ve never really got the chance to hang out with you (unless it was a group event), and we really don’t talk that much. I think we should fix that. [;
P.S, I LOVE YOU! ♥






She's the cutest thing ever. [: 

Okay, so I know that I should be thankful for all that I have in my life, but listening to my parents talk about how proud they are that my cousin got his permit in Friday just really made me sick. Jarrett is a freshman. He turned sixteen in November. He got held back in elementary school. Yeah, I'm happy that he got it and all, because it feels good to finally have that privilege, you know? But when my mom was talking to my aunt about it on the phone, hearing her offer to take him driving and that she'd probably be more calm with him than she is me, it just really pissed me off. I mean, we've been taking care of their family for as long as I can remember. We take him school shopping with us almost every year, and we don't have a lot of extra money, but mom always spots him some extra stuff so he can get by longer you know? I just thought that that made my mom a really good person. I feel really selfish for being so pissed off about this, but you know what? I am. Jarrett chews tobacco, he drinks, he's broken into a house before. And it just makes me so angry that here I am, the same age, in the same family and a complete opposite and my parents get me most of the things that I ask for and I'm happy. And then, they take money that we don't really have to spare and buy my aunts kids clothes and shoes and stuff. It just pisses me off to no extent. I hate my uncle. I hate him. He doesn't do anything for my aunt. Nothing. He's a bad father, and a bad husband. My aunt, she used to be really good. I remember those days. Back when I was little and she tried. She worked and it worked for her. It was good then. Two kids later and it seems that she's just given up, and my mom and dad are taking the rebound is what it feels like. I just got a $200 prom dress, and $600 clarinet, my permit, and about $9000 dollars worth of hospital bills paid for. God. I have so so much, and I should be happy that my parents are good people and want to help. But I feel like they leave me in the dust to make sure that they're okay sometimes. It sucks. I love them. I love them all so much, I have so much to be thankful for. I just feel like Jarrett is going to throw his life away doing all  of that dumb shit that I don't think twice about doing, and then they go and spend money to make sure that he's doing okay? It pisses me off. I could've gotten a new pair of shoes, which I honestly haven't gotten since the beginning of  my freshman year because I didn't need them then, but now they're falling apart. Mom could've gotten a new pair of pants because she only has three good pair to wear to work. Duckling could've gotten longer jeans because he's growing so fast. And, I feel like they're giving their money away to someone that just takes it for granted, leaving us behind sometimes.


I'm sorry Mom, if you ever read this. I just had to let it out somewhere.
I love you. & Thank you for everything.

Jar of Hearts.

Hullo. I've been watching Sonny&Claire nonstop for forever. I'm a freak. Ivy's Party was rather amazing, I was angry that mother made me leave early.

boyfriend.


my son that is 6' 4" and had to pick me up for this photo. (:


pre glow paint.


most of us. (:


the lady and i love to rave, <3


So yeah. It was pretty great. I want to do it a lot more often. 

I'm trying to stop hating life. 

I'm going to get better.

I will.

I have so much to be thankful for. 

Now. Now, I just need a job and a car. 

Then, life will be pretty much complete. 

Oh, I got my prom dress by the way. 

It's kinda beautiful, even if I look slightly rough because I just got home.




Yeah. I can do this.

I will be happy.

Guess who's nerdy boyfriend made these last night? Mine did!
Guess what nerdy girl smiled a whole lot when she saw them on her Facebook? This one. (:

Happy Birthday Poison.

So I'm sitting here in all of my sickness watching Sonny&Claire missing my boy like none other, and I realize that tomorrow is my Ivy's sixteenth birthday. This is your birthday post woman. I love you.


We've been friends since forever. And I literally mean forever. Our mothers were best friends growing up. We were friends as infants and we went to preschool together. We've become so much closer this year and I love it. You understand me and my mood swings and my depression and sickness and obsessions, and I understand you.  I don't really have a lot to say other than I love you, and that's really all that I can say. I'm proud of you. You always go after your dreams and you got into Theater Arts Academy. And you're you. You're never afraid to be you, and you taught me that over the years. Duckling is kicking me off of the computer so I have to finish this later. I love you. I hope you have an amazing year. ♥

I'm here at La's with her Jess and Riah.
It's been fun.d
But my brain is a tired mess.
I need o figure my life out.

I just don't even know anymore, blogspot. I'm tired. Literally. I am so tired. I feel like I could sleep for days on end right now. I'm so tired of being tired. I'm tired of my side hurting like a mofo all of the time. God. I get so frustrated. I almost cried in Chemistry today because I got so pissed off at our packet and the periodic table that Mr.Clark had to calm me down and then go over with me three more times to make sure that I had it and would be okay. Jazz Band was just terrible, I fought with Dillon, who is just pretty much my brother. I was yelling at everything. I feel so bad. Parker has been putting up with me through all of this and I yelled at him today. GOD. I want to bash my face in. & My poor Ivy, God, she was just as bad as me in Chem today. She just shut down and I'm pretty sure I snapped at her, and I so didn't mean it. -Sigh.- DLKIFGSDLKHSDLKJGHDFLKJBHDLGKJ DH WHY IS MY LIFE SUCH A FAGGOT. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. I AM SO ANGRY. Damn. Ow. My side hurts. Again. Still. LGKHLGKJZHDLGKJ I'm out of words. I'm just frustrated. Beyond belief. At everything.

Make it go away..

You know what? Just screw everything.