Thanks to Kyle, I've been stalking Julia Nunes. Anyway. I love this woman.
This made me want to pee myself with joy.

I don't really know what to say.
I just feel like I'm in a happy place in my life. I feel like I'm going to accomplish things.
I feel good about this.
Good about all of these changes.
Good about myself.
Good about life.


I can do this.

New Page, New Book, New Series.

I love my English Teacher. No one has been that inspiring to me in my life. Ever. I love that she trusts us enough to tell her the stories of her life. How she's been hurt, and is recovering, and everything in between. She had a car wreck a few weeks ago, and is just now coming back to school. Ivy & I went to go check on her after school when we had free time. As it turns out, that accident had caused her to have a breakdown. I wanted to tell her so many things. So many. I wanted to tell her I felt the same way. She took time off to focus on her, get her life back on track and know who she was again. She said therapy was going great for her and really helping. My Lexipro keeps me calm and happy, but I started to wonder if I just needed to talk. We'll see how this turns out and then decide on that part. I'm so proud of her. "I didn't know what I didn't know. I didn't know what I needed to figure out. I didn't know who I was. I was really trying but it just wasn't enough anymore. I was ignoring this big, huge change in my life and pretending that I was okay with it, but I just wasn't, and I didn't know what to do anymore. I got to the point where I was having chest pains during school and I couldn't breathe." I almost cried when she told me that. I felt the exact same way. I was sitting cross legged on the floor looking up at her in her chair like a little bitty kid at story time. I looked at Ivy, and she looked at me, and she knew. We both knew. That woman. Ivy goes through everything with me, we're so identical, it's almost insane. But, I'm thinking, if Mrs.Midkiff can do this, I sure as hell can.

PartyPoisonIvy: I love you so much, I hope you know that. I'm really looking forward to us planning this insane camping trip for the summer because we're dumb and will have tons of fun even though neither of us have really gone camping before. I have a huge tent. Just sayin'. You're the best. I know it. We'll get there, with or without that boy each of us called a best friend at one point. I really miss our nerd herd. Help me reconnect it after you get back from Chicago? I love you. <3

"I just..I feel like I've finally turned the page you know? Like I'm heading somewhere new. Maybe even started a new book! Life: Part Two."
"Yeah, part one was pretty rough wasn't it?"
"My part one wasn't the best.
"Mother, sometimes the sequel's the best part of the series."
"I hope so. It feels like it is anyway."

      
I love you MotherMidkiff! & Ivy. & Pam, the best lunch lady ever. (:

I was talking to Parker earlier, and we were having a really good conversation, and I just god. I realized that I could've done so many things differently to better that relationship. It doesn't matter now, but I like to know that I have made some progress, you know? And we were talking about just, stuff? And me, I need to get better and get me under control before I can take on something as wonderful, but serious as a relationship. I like knowing this. I like talking about it. I like knowing how far I've come, and how far I can go.

I got Soul, But, I'm not a Soldier.

I've been wanting to blog all day, although I have no clue as to what I need to write about. I'm just sitting here alone in my living room listening to HotFuss for the third consecutive time today. Brandon Flowers' voice is about the only thing that's keeping me sane. I only took half of my Lexipro last night because they make me so tired. I'm not feeling anxious either, so that's some progress there. I go back to the doctor over that on May second. May, oh it sounds so nice that it's right around the corner. I mean, I'm not really looking forward to being a junior, but sophomore year wasn't anything like I wanted it to be now that I look back on it. It's been full of hell. But, hey, it's almost over and I've gotten through it in one solid piece. I may be slightly cracked, but I'm not fully broke. Ah, Mr.Brightside, you sing to my soul. Mr.Brightside doesn't leave me when other people do. That song. God. I don't know how to explain it. I wouldn't have even considered it my favorite two years ago, even if I would admit to it being a good song. But, you know, then Parker showed me his playlist all that time ago, and bam, here I am today. I don't want to drag myself back to school tomorrow. I'm dreading it infact. But I'm going to get through it because there are more people that care about me in that hell hole than Parker Findlay. Am I mad at him? No. He didn't do anything wrong. I'm just mad at myself. I'm blaming the whole thing all on me and Mat keeps telling me that when two people are involved it's never just one person. He's right. I just, I don't know how to feel. & Tomorrow when we're all back at school, I won't know what to say, or how to act. I'm pretty sure I'm going to act like I'm okay, and things aren't bothering me, because that's what I always do. I know that things will be okay for me, it's just that sitting here and having to stick it out is the hard part. That's what makes people stronger though isn't it? Getting through things that they didn't think they could? Yeah, I belive it is. What the hell, I'm sixteen, and I'm a good kid. I know that. My dad is way too hard on me over stupid things, but when I look at it, I don't do everything right, but I sure as hell don't do much wrong. I feel like I should want to be reckless for once. & maybe I will. But I probably won't. I don't know. Even if I was going to be like that, I wouldn't know what to do in the first place. I guess I'm just not sure what to feel when he's not here. Which, it's been six days since I've seen him, and two since we've broken up.  Sometimes I hate that I can't hate him, even if he did nothing wrong. I really am trying to be better at this. I want it to work.


Other News:
We went to the indoor water park at French Lick yesterday with Kelley & Carrie & the girls. I love my family. (: It was really fun and I got to get my mind off of things. & Then we went out to eat and go-kart racing. Best Part? My Duckling won his round at the track. I love that kid. He's the best.  However, I don't want to ever be elevator-eyed again by that many middle-aged men. It was creepy. But, I didn't get raped, and I kept whatever children with me safe and we had fun. That's what mattered.

Shoutouts:

Peyton Oliver: I loved our talk last night. I'm always here for you girl. You're one of the most beautiful people I know.

Chelsea Armstrong: You get me through everything. I love you so much. Things need to get better for us.

Lauren Brown: I love you, that is all. Oh, I love you again, and you're pretty, and I miss you.

Bradley Chapman: You just make me laugh. We need a TV show.

Megan Gray: I love you Pamela. End of Story. <3

Cala LeeAnn: You make me so happy. You're beautiful.

Mat Turner: You're my twin brother with an afro. (:

Anyone else? We'll get there. I promise.




I experimented for prom. (:

You know what? I got out of the shower the other day, and I was just standing in front of my mirror in my bra and underwear, and you know what? I felt pretty. It was a good feeling.

Breaking Up & Breaking Down.

So yeah. This is the Friday of my Spring Break. It's been pretty good I guess.

Points of Interest:
I got put on Anxiety Meds. They're helping. My chest doesn't hurt all of the time, I'm calmer and yeah. I'm happy about that.
I went to Caldwell, but I didn't get to see Che, however Erin and my Alioop are fantastic.
Parker and I broke up. Yeah. That's the biggie. Well, it was last night. I guess I just need to rant about it. It wasn't a bad break at all, in fact, it was mutual and we talked about it for almost two hours before we made the choice to call it quits, at least for a while. What can I say? That boy was and still is my best friend. I tell him everything. He's the one to make sure I'm okay no matter what the hell we've been arguing about. It's just, our relationship had gotten to the point where we drove each other crazy. We fought, more than we laughed. We yelled more than we talked. We had our good days, and when we did, they were absolutely wonderful. But then, then the good days came less frequently and then there was more bad than good. More harm than help, you know? But, we're still friends. We've been talking. I still care about him. I still want him in my life. We're each other's best friends and we know it. We're still going to Prom together. And you know what? I like that. I like that we were able to talk through that. I like that we're strong enough to not hate each other for no reason. I like that we're friends. I like that we still care about each other, even if it's not how it was. Don't get me wrong, before our relationship ended, I still missed how we were. As he said, we weren't always like that. We were happy. We loved each other. We really did. We both know it. It just sucks that we slipped out of that. Maybe we'll get it back. Maybe we won't. But he's still in my life, and I'm still in his. He asked if I ever noticed other guys. No, I don't. I don't know who the hell I was supposed to be with unless it was him. Have you ever fallen out of love? Don't. It sucks. Falling into it sucks too, but at least you've got someone there to hold you tight. Falling out of love, it's like you forget to hang on to each other and you just start to free fall and nothing can save you. I know that I still love him deep down. Maybe not like how I did, or maybe it's just on hold. But I do love him. I love him for everything that he's done for me over the past two years of my life. I love him for sticking by me when my friends left. I love him for standing by me when I refused to get help, and then applauding me when I finally did. I love him for the fact that he's him and he doesn't let anyone get in the way of that. I love him because, he loved me.

I won't lie. 

November 16, 2010 - April 7, 2011 were the best days of my life. 

I'm really glad that I got to be able to spend them with you.