I've been wanting to blog all day, although I have no clue as to what I need to write about. I'm just sitting here alone in my living room listening to HotFuss for the third consecutive time today. Brandon Flowers' voice is about the only thing that's keeping me sane. I only took half of my Lexipro last night because they make me so tired. I'm not feeling anxious either, so that's some progress there. I go back to the doctor over that on May second. May, oh it sounds so nice that it's right around the corner. I mean, I'm not really looking forward to being a junior, but sophomore year wasn't anything like I wanted it to be now that I look back on it. It's been full of hell. But, hey, it's almost over and I've gotten through it in one solid piece. I may be slightly cracked, but I'm not fully broke. Ah, Mr.Brightside, you sing to my soul. Mr.Brightside doesn't leave me when other people do. That song. God. I don't know how to explain it. I wouldn't have even considered it my favorite two years ago, even if I would admit to it being a good song. But, you know, then Parker showed me his playlist all that time ago, and bam, here I am today. I don't want to drag myself back to school tomorrow. I'm dreading it infact. But I'm going to get through it because there are more people that care about me in that hell hole than Parker Findlay. Am I mad at him? No. He didn't do anything wrong. I'm just mad at myself. I'm blaming the whole thing all on me and Mat keeps telling me that when two people are involved it's never just one person. He's right. I just, I don't know how to feel. & Tomorrow when we're all back at school, I won't know what to say, or how to act. I'm pretty sure I'm going to act like I'm okay, and things aren't bothering me, because that's what I always do. I know that things will be okay for me, it's just that sitting here and having to stick it out is the hard part. That's what makes people stronger though isn't it? Getting through things that they didn't think they could? Yeah, I belive it is. What the hell, I'm sixteen, and I'm a good kid. I know that. My dad is way too hard on me over stupid things, but when I look at it, I don't do everything right, but I sure as hell don't do much wrong. I feel like I should want to be reckless for once. & maybe I will. But I probably won't. I don't know. Even if I was going to be like that, I wouldn't know what to do in the first place. I guess I'm just not sure what to feel when he's not here. Which, it's been six days since I've seen him, and two since we've broken up. Sometimes I hate that I can't hate him, even if he did nothing wrong. I really am trying to be better at this. I want it to work.
Other News:
We went to the indoor water park at French Lick yesterday with Kelley & Carrie & the girls. I love my family. (: It was really fun and I got to get my mind off of things. & Then we went out to eat and go-kart racing. Best Part? My Duckling won his round at the track. I love that kid. He's the best. However, I don't want to ever be elevator-eyed again by that many middle-aged men. It was creepy. But, I didn't get raped, and I kept whatever children with me safe and we had fun. That's what mattered.
Shoutouts:
Peyton Oliver: I loved our talk last night. I'm always here for you girl. You're one of the most beautiful people I know.
Chelsea Armstrong: You get me through everything. I love you so much. Things need to get better for us.
Lauren Brown: I love you, that is all. Oh, I love you again, and you're pretty, and I miss you.
Bradley Chapman: You just make me laugh. We need a TV show.
Megan Gray: I love you Pamela. End of Story. <3
Cala LeeAnn: You make me so happy. You're beautiful.
Mat Turner: You're my twin brother with an afro. (:
Anyone else? We'll get there. I promise.
I experimented for prom. (:
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