My Lovely.

This is my Lilija's birthday post. (:
Enjoy Sweetheart. ♥


Dear Lauren;

Happy Birthday Beautiful. I love you so so so so so much. You make everyday of mine worth living and you never fail to make me smile. I tell you everything and you tell me everything. You know my secrets and my fears. You understand what it's like to be the outsider, locked away from everything you've ever known. I love you. You have faith in me. I have faith in you. Pretty much everyone that knows us always ends up telling me that you remind them of me. That makes me happy, and it makes me sad at the same time. Happy, because I see so many amazing things in you darling. So many. You make me want to be a better person. You make me believe in myself. You make me laugh, and cry and understand things that I didn't know I didn't know about. Sad, because  I know what you've gone through, and I know what I've gone through, and I know what I'm going through now, and I don't want you to ever ever hurt like this. But then, I have these moments, moments where I'm almost completely sure that my life is perfect., and I think of you, and I think of me, and I think of us, and I know somewhere deep down that things are going to be just fine for the both of us somehow. You say that I'm the only thing for sure in your life; That's not true love. All kinds of things are true. Like how you're one of my best friends in the whole world. And you're beautiful. And the sun will come up tomorrow, and the moon will be out tonight. And you can see the stars outside of your window at night. And cats will always be really cute when they wash their faces. And duct tape is the key to life. And boys can break your heart and put it back together in a matter of seconds. And I'm always going to love you like you're my real daughter. And age gaps suck. And small towns are stupid, but they have everything we need if we look hard enough. And I'm sure that Thirteen Reasons Why will always make us cry. And your family will love you no matter what. And so will I. And I'm sure that you're going to grow up and be an amazing person and live next door to me for forever. I'm sure of all of those things. I promise.
I'm so happy that I'm going to spend this next year of your life with you. I hope that you get better soon. Soon as in, over night so you won't have to be sick on your birthday. I love us and our conversations and how I creep up on you whenever you are at school. Did you know that you're beautiful? And amazing? And stunning? And fantastic? And funny? And smart? And talented? And young and pretty and happy and inspiring and lovely? Well, you are sweetheart, don't forget any of those things. As if I'll let you. (:


Your beautiful, and amazing. I love you tons, and I always will, simply because of the fact that you are amazing, and you are inspiring, and you are my best friend, and I do love you.

I LOVE YOU.

I'M BLOGGING ABOUT YOU.

..I really think your honest to God, the best friend I'm ever going to have. I love you.

I LOVE YOU LIKE COWS LOVE GRASS AND YOU LOVE COWS AND I LOVE COWS BECAUSE COWS ARE LOVELY. LIKE YOU.

..THAT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER HEARD. YOUR AMAZING.

I LOVE YOU AND YOU MAKE ME GIGGLE.

I probably look like a psychopath smiling right now. I don't care. Hi, your gorgeous. I miss you, yeah? I also kind of love you more than anything else in my life right now Your pretty. Really pretty. I'm creeping you.
I remember thinking you were pretty when I creeped you, and added you as a friend. Because, you are.

I love you. And, you are beautiful. I think your so much prettier than any model, and stick thin girl, anyone:

..*I love you.*

That made me so happy.

I love you, too. And, I mean it. Because, your beautiful. And, I love you. I can look at every picture of you, and I can't find one where you don't look beautiful. Even when you got your tonsils out. With braces, or without. With makeup, or not. Your beautiful. And, I love you.

6:16pm

sdlkfjhfdlgkhkrdehgkjdh I love you so so so so so so so so so so so so so much. Hug. Hugs for you. You are the most beautiful creature on the face of this planet and I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

I love you. I don't know why your proud of me, but it made my day knowing you are.

I'm always proud of you. I'm proud because you get up everyday and you keep going and you may feel like crap but you try and you don't give up. I'm proud because you're amazing, and you call me your best friend.

I love you. You don't know how much that means to me. You are my best friend. Your honestly the only real friend I ever had. There were so many times I wanted to give up on everything. On myself. But, I come on here, and talk to you, and everything is okay, because you tell me I'm worth it. That I've come this far, there's no point in giving up now. My greatest fear isn't losing just someone. It's losing you. I love you.

I love you sweetheart, and it'll take the world exploding for me to leave you. I love you. I'll be here for forever. I promise. You're everything to me.



Ewh. Fag IPod.

I LOVE YO U.

I LOVE YOU. I haven't been this happy in years?

I LOVE YOU. Keep smiling pretty! (:

I can't stop. ;P I miss youu!

I MISS YOU. BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I DON'T CARE.
(:

WOO. I want to send you this cat. ;D Please accept the gift.

I WILL. I WANT A KITTY.

HE'S A BAD KITTY.

HE CAN'T BE TAMED.
LIKE MILEY CYRUS.

THAT'S RIGHT. LOL. I LOVE YOU.

;D
I LOVE YOU TOO.

I'm not tired now? O_O

;p
I love you(:

I love youu.

I know. It's great. Like you. I love you woman.




I know, love. I know. I feel the same way. You know what? Don't worry about them. They're stupid. Your amazing. It's hard, I know. I'm sick of everyone in my class. I have breakdowns at school all the time. I hate it.

I just thought that maybe, I was on the right track for once and then people just leave me all of the time. I think it's me. I think it's them. I don't know anymore. It's just stupid. I just want a hug and some more time to fix things that I want. I feel like I'm screaming my heart out, but I'm out of words to say. Lunch is for real, the worst part of my day. God. I love you. I love you. I love you. Get better and we can run away.

It's not you. I mean it. Your trying. Your beautiful. And, I know. I hate lunch. Most of the time I just look out the window, and think. I love you. Your everything to me. I mean it.

I love you. You're the reason why I stick through these things you know? I think that maybe, if I can make it though, I can make it easier on you.

I love you. You're amazing and mean everything to me, Lauren. ♥
Happy Birthday.

I really am glad. <3

I love you.

Born This Way.

"It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M 

Just put your paws up 

'Cause you were born this way, baby 

My mama told me when I was young 

We're all born superstars 

She rolled my hair, put my lipstick on 

In the glass of her boudoir 

"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are" 

She said, "'Cause He made you perfect, babe" 

"So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far, 

Listen to me when I say" 

I'm beautiful in my way, 

'Cause God makes no mistakes 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way 

Don't hide yourself in regret, 

Just love yourself and you're set 

I'm on the right track, baby 

I was born this way "

Today was a good day.

End of Story.

Things are looking up.

And I'm going to start loving who I am again.

Because I know that I deserve that.

I am me.

And I won't change.

And I won't feel like I have to wear a lot of make up to be pretty.
I don't need a pound of mascara, foundation, eyeliner, shadow and blush to be confident with who I am. 

And I won't be self conscious about my weight, because I'm pretty average sized for my height. 
I don't need to be like every other girl who trashes themselves because they're insecure about themselves just because they're not stick thin.

And I won't go to the tanning bed, anymore, because pale is just as good as tan, and I don't like being fried.

And I won't die my hair, be it with household chemicals or not, because I like having my hair. 

And I won't think anything bad about how my hips are the biggest part of me.
I'm not disproportionate. I'm me. 

And I'm a teenager, so my skin will always break out, it's a fact of life.
Clear or red and blotchy, I'll be fine.

And I'm not going to hate my loud laugh because it's a part of me.

And I'll wear my retainers because it took me eight years to get my smile that I have now.
And I won't worry about clothes, I'll look fine in whatever.
And I won't worry about pleasing anyone but myself after this, because that's all that matters.

And the things that I can't control, I won't try to.

You're Amazing Just The Way You Are. 

'Cause Baby, you were born this way.

lksdjhgdflkgjfdhlgkjvadnvldhflkjbfgklj
^
That's about what my brain is these days.
I don't know what to think anymore.

I know that I'm not alone,

But then, why, do I feel like I am.
Like I'm in a room full of people screaming my lungs out for help.
But I'm so alone.
And no one even notices anymore.


I need help.
I don't want to go through this anymore.
I want my insecurities to go away.
I want to be positive again.
I want love who I am.
I want to be able to show my emotions.
Wear my heart on my sleave.


I just want to be happy when you're not here.
Because that's when my world starts to fall apart.

You're The Only Thing I know Like The Back of My Hand.

What can I say? Apologies go a long way. With anyone. I have my La back. I missed her. I love her so so much and I don't want to lose her ever again. We have so much catching up to do.

I like my boyfriend. Okay no, I love him.

I probably wouldn't have gotten through the past month without my Ivy.

My Lady La makes my life so much more positive. We're sharing a casket when we get old and die together.

My Lilija is one of the best people to walk this planet.

Tabitha never fails to talk me through this crazy life and make sure that it's all going to be okay for me.

My Alioop always make me laugh and see things from a different perspective.

Jessica is always trying her hardest to do the right thing for everyone.

Kristin is always there for anyone no matter what they do.

My Che who always makes me feel like I'm invincible.

I love all of these people so much.
Thank you for being in my life.
Thank you for being you.

"I'm sick of trying to tell myself I love someone. That I care about someone. I can call someone my friend, but that doesn't mean they are. I can try to have a connection with them, but it's simply not the same as it is with Hannah. I try so hard to find a friend. Truth is, before Hannah, I've never cried for someone else. I can honestly say, I've never had a friend. A real friend."

iloveyou.

So, I'm on the end of my lunch break,
and you know what?

I can't stand this school anymore.
Everyone is all fake smiles and backstabbers really.


The only thing left for me is band really.

I don't know anymore.

Power?

So, today I was sitting in Chemistry, and I realized something: It's all about having control for me. Control in the group work we were doing. Control over band, the music I play, how I play it, how I march, how I count. Control over my emotions; shutting down when I get frustrated. Resorting to things that were less than healthy because I thought that I could control the things in my mind that were way too big for me to even think about handling on my own. Much less at fourteen & fifteen years old. Maybe my dad was right. I'm so absorbed in trying to control and work things that I forget about everything. I forget about me. I forget about how hard it is on me, because I'm afraid to fail. I forget that I push people away and I lose my friends. I won't lie, I hate losing my friends, but I just accepted it as a part of life, but maybe he was right? I'm slowly losing everything. And. It. Hurts. I don't notice it at first, thinking that oh, it's high school, things change. But then I take a step back and I have to question if it was really me? Was I the one the push people away so many times and then cry out for them when they had had too much of me and had to leave for their own good? I don't know.

Sometimes, I feel like I am a genuinely good person. Sometimes, I just feel so dark and nasty and hateful.

I know that Daddy was right. I won't get anywhere in my life with anyone at all if I can't learn how to let the things that I can't control go. He said that I wasn't going to be happy if I kept putting so much of my time, effort and energy into hating everything and trying to fix things that I can't. Into hating myself. Into critizing every little detail to the point where I can't see good in anything anymore. I know that that's not how I want to spend the rest of my life.
I just don't know how to fix it.

& I don't know if I need help so that I can fix it. I don't want to be like this forever. I just want to be happy again. Not just when I'm with the few people I have left.

He told me that I need to tell him if I need help because he can't stand to see me like this.

I know we fight, and I know that we're too stubborn to listen to each other, but; I love my Daddy. I like it when he tells me these things that break my heart, but make me a better person on the inside in the long run.

I don't think he knows that I'm terrified of losing him along with everything else in my life that's just been thrown away.


It's blurry, and Duckie is creepin' but I love my family.

We put the fun in dysfunctional sometimes. ♥

She's A Kaleidescope.

Quotes from my notebook. *
I started this notebook before my blog. 

It's full of everything. I love it to death.

Good times & bad.

I highlighted my favorite things I wrote, 

October 25, 2010.
I don't think that you can stop loving someone if you're not supposed to be together in some way. 

I don't think that you build that strong of a connection to only have life tear it down.

I think you love someone for a reason.

I guess that I'm always going to love you in someway I guess. 

& I know that what's left of my heart won't let go of it's grip on you.

My greatest fear is probably not knowing. 

who's going to stay here forever.

and who won't be here tomorrow.

Sometimes I don't feel anything at all.

& Sometimes I don't care.

October 26, 2010.
I can choose to be happy. 

I can chose to get a tan in the sun,

or become translucent in the darkness.

October 27, 2010.
Because there isn't any sense in doing something that doesn't make you happy.

Or for that matter, feel anything at all.

October 28, 2010.
Sometimes my heart breaks when I see how I've hurt some people.

I just can't let go of then.

November 2, 2010.
I really hate second guessing every choice that I've ever made.

& Sometimes I wonder if I really do still love you.

November 2, 2010.

I ache for that perfect summer.

I want to walk into a room and still be able to pick you out just because you care that much.

I don't matter to them sometimes, do I?

I can make my own decisions. 

November 4, 2010.
Things have been better, which makes me happy.

I let it fall apart, and you just don't know what to do with your heart anymore. 

I guess I miss that feeling. Like you're always going to belong in someones arms.

Your hands will always fit just right with theirs.

November 7, 2010.

I'm tired of trying for people who just let it go and don't give a damn about me. 

We're more lost than ever aren't we?

November 8, 2010.

I'm worth it.

It's time to love me.

They don't know the song your heart sings.

November 19, 2010.

I'm happy.

& I'm going to keep it that way.

November 21, 2010.

Then, I realized, HC may not have everything I want but it's got all I need.

November 23, 2010.
I like being happy.

December 2, 2010.

I'm tired of letting people walk all over me. 

I'm tired of feeling so broken.

December 6, 2010.

I don't remember the last time I was that happy.

I'm tired of not being good enough for the one person that's  ever mattered to me.

I feel like nobody gets me anymore.

December 8, 2010.

I like it when things go my way.

January 1, 2011.

Hi, 2011, you snuk up on me.
That boy makes me smile.

I'm  happy.

It shows how far I've come.

I've gotten so many wall posts telling me I'm pretty.

people gmh.

I want to make a difference.

January 2, 2011.

I just want to be happy.

And I will accomplish that.

Because that's all I want.

February 18, 2011.

I feel like I'm worth something.

Taking A Walk,

DOWN MEMORY LANE.
Sometimes it's fun.

Sometimes it hurts.

Sometimes you laugh.

Sometimes you cry.

I think I'm going to do all of the above.

But I feel like I need to do this.

I miss you so much, lady.

i miss this. <3

we whipped our hair before willow ever thought about it.

we documented everything.

and i hope that we patch up soon.