Power?

So, today I was sitting in Chemistry, and I realized something: It's all about having control for me. Control in the group work we were doing. Control over band, the music I play, how I play it, how I march, how I count. Control over my emotions; shutting down when I get frustrated. Resorting to things that were less than healthy because I thought that I could control the things in my mind that were way too big for me to even think about handling on my own. Much less at fourteen & fifteen years old. Maybe my dad was right. I'm so absorbed in trying to control and work things that I forget about everything. I forget about me. I forget about how hard it is on me, because I'm afraid to fail. I forget that I push people away and I lose my friends. I won't lie, I hate losing my friends, but I just accepted it as a part of life, but maybe he was right? I'm slowly losing everything. And. It. Hurts. I don't notice it at first, thinking that oh, it's high school, things change. But then I take a step back and I have to question if it was really me? Was I the one the push people away so many times and then cry out for them when they had had too much of me and had to leave for their own good? I don't know.

Sometimes, I feel like I am a genuinely good person. Sometimes, I just feel so dark and nasty and hateful.

I know that Daddy was right. I won't get anywhere in my life with anyone at all if I can't learn how to let the things that I can't control go. He said that I wasn't going to be happy if I kept putting so much of my time, effort and energy into hating everything and trying to fix things that I can't. Into hating myself. Into critizing every little detail to the point where I can't see good in anything anymore. I know that that's not how I want to spend the rest of my life.
I just don't know how to fix it.

& I don't know if I need help so that I can fix it. I don't want to be like this forever. I just want to be happy again. Not just when I'm with the few people I have left.

He told me that I need to tell him if I need help because he can't stand to see me like this.

I know we fight, and I know that we're too stubborn to listen to each other, but; I love my Daddy. I like it when he tells me these things that break my heart, but make me a better person on the inside in the long run.

I don't think he knows that I'm terrified of losing him along with everything else in my life that's just been thrown away.


It's blurry, and Duckie is creepin' but I love my family.

We put the fun in dysfunctional sometimes. ♥